Walking Away
by Bottle of Smoke
Summary: She has been there through all of the important moments of his childhood and knows, with a heavy heart, how each will end.
1. Wrenched from its orbit

Note: This is a very, very revamped version of my story 'All the Things I Should've Given.' The title, as well as the chapter titles, come from the C. Day Lewis poem 'Walking Away.' Special thanks to Mokatster, who said the original fic was good but needed some work, and then graciously looked over this a year later.

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_Wrenched from its orbit_

He was perfect, down to his tiny nose. She beamed at the little bundle, stroking his soft cheek. He didn't open his eyes, but rather slept contently in her arms. She huddled under the covers, exhaustion and happiness flooding her body. Such work for such a little thing!

"My dear Rilian." Silence returned her gentle call. The little boy turned in his bundling, snuggling closer to her. She sighed happily and closed her eyes. Nothing else seemed needed, nothing else mattered.

The door creaked open suddenly, and her eyes flew open to see the nurse and Caspian. She smiled weakly at them before the nurse walked over and gently pulled Rilian from her arms.

She didn't want to let him go, not yet. She held out her hands in a feeble protest. He was her baby, after all – she had labored for him, sweated hours to bring him to life. And this woman was callously handing him around!

The nurse placed Rilian in Caspian's arms, the baby stirring from his sleep. Rilian's arms opened, reached out from his blanket. She feared that he would cry, the first time that heart-wrenching sound would come from him. But he didn't. He reached out for his father, and Caspian lightly took his hand. The king smiled. "My boy."

She dropped her hands, her worry gone. Of course the baby would recognize his father – how silly of her to worry. Caspian would know what to do, he always did. He held the baby close to him, smiling brightly at him, just as she had moments ago.

No matter how much she loved Caspian, she felt a little sting at him keeping the baby so close to him so far from her. He hadn't labored fourteen hours to give this little boy life. Just a few things here or there, and then wait for nine months.

She fell back into her pillows, crossing her arms. She realized the little boy couldn't be hers alone.

"We'll be back in a bit, Love," Caspian whispered, as he walked over and kissed her forehead. She smiled meekly as she watched them leave her bedroom, walking away.


	2. Who finds no path

_Who finds no path_

The courtyard was filled with the sounds of livelihood, from the chatter of adults to the scheming of children. She closed her eyes and let the sound engulf her. She never had much to listen to on the island.

"Fancy a walk, Love?" She opened her eyes to see her husband looking hopefully at her. She smiled, nodded, and took his hand. They managed to walk a few steps before she felt a tight embrace around her knees. She looked down to see Rilian clinging desperately.

"My dear, how did you get away from Nurse?" she giggled. "You know you mustn't wander away from her when Mummy and Father are having a party." He looked sadly at her, not responding. She grasped his hand, so tiny in hers, and led him gently along. Caspian followed intently.

As the sound of party guests faded away, the screams of delighted children grew closer. She felt Rilian draw closer to her.

The children came into view, running around and playing a game while the nurses looked on carelessly. Rilian's nurse walked up to her anxiously.

"I tried to keep him from running away, Your Majesty, honestly, but he was just so scared he ran away," she explained. The nurse held out a hand for Rilian to take, but he just clung closer to his mother's skirts.

"I suppose he just wants me." She patted the boy's golden, curly head.

"I think he's scared of the children, Miss," the nurse confided in her.

She looked down at the child, huddled so close to her. He had very little contact with children his age, always shut up in the nursery or clinging closely to her. "Are you scared of the little boys and girls, Rilian?"

The little boy bit his lips anxiously. "Do you want to play with them?" He looked over at their merry game, then back at her, wordless.

_Why must children be so cryptic sometimes, _she silently moaned.

"We'll stay here if you want us to, Ril," Caspian suggested.

Rilian looked out at the children playing. His grip on her skirt was strong, yet he was leaning away from her. She looked over at Caspian, who gave her a nod. She knelt down once again to Rilian's level. "You're very scared of them, aren't you dear?"

"Yes," Rilian muttered.

"But you do want to play with them, don't you?"

"Yes," he replied, softly.

"Well, why don't you go over there and play?" She felt the words stick in her throat. How scared he was, tense and unsure. She wanted to hug him, pull him away and keep from walking over there the rest of his life. But she knew she couldn't.

"But what if they don't like me?" he whispered.

"But what if they do?" she smiled. A grin teased the corners of his mouth up for the smallest second before drawing it down. He gave her a small hug before walking, slowly, steadily, towards the children.

She stood up, feeling her heart flutter with every step her son took. Each step was slow, unbalanced, unsure. He kept walking away, never looking back.


	3. Ordeals which fire one's irresolute clay

_Ordeals which fire one's irresolute clay_

She covered her eyes to keep the sun from blinding her. It was early morning, and the land was golden from the sunrise, and misty from the dew. It seemed unearthly, the strange, glowing beauty of it.

A few men on horses and a wagon carrying supplies were before her, filtering the light. They cast long shadows on the ground.

"Are you sure he has enough provisions?" she asked.

"Dear, you have seen the size of this boat, have you not?" Caspian jested, as he dropped a barrel. He laid a rough-hewn hand on her cheek. "They'll be fine. All of your worrying has me worrying."

He kissed her gently and handed off the barrel. Her eyes swept about the crew, wondering where her little boy could be.

Her eyes settled on a tall, lanky youth carrying a trunk. She smiled tightly, reminded of how Caspian looked when they first met.

"Sending me off, Mother?"

"Of course – you'll be gone for a few months time. How could I not?" She tried not to think about that long stretch of time. "Besides, it's your first trip without us."

"Don't worry, Mother – what could possibly happen to me?"

"Plenty!" she exclaimed, worry clear in her voice. She wanted so desperately to call off this trip, to tell him that there were plenty of chances for him to go to Archenland. "I could tell you many things that could happen right off the top of my head. There's –"

"Mother, please. I think I know well enough the dangers ahead. But we all agreed that I needed to take a trip on my own before I become king, so that I become used to travel," Rilian reminded her.

"I just don't want…"

Rilian walked to her quickly, pulling her into a fierce hug. "If it is Aslan's will, Mother, so be it. But don't waste all of this time feeling scared," he whispered into her ear. "Besides, I have Lord Drinian and the court of Archenland to take care of me. What could go wrong?" He pulled away, kissing her cheek.

_But I won't be there if it does go wrong,_ she sighed. Rilian quickly hugged his father good-bye, walked up the boarding plank. He walked to the deck, standing beside Drinian. He gave a loud command as the boat pulled out of port.

Never had she felt so on edge before, so scared. She wanted to run up to her son, chase after him, tell him to stop this foolishness. But she closed her eyes and swallowed, the awful lump of tears dissolving.

She felt the gentle pressure of her husband's arm around her shoulders. She forced her eyes open, to see her young son's golden head, burning brightly in the sun, head the crew as they moved away.


	4. Letting go

_Letting go_

She knew that she had only seconds left to live. The poison was coursing quickly through her veins, searing fire in her already hot body. Her throat was tight, hard.

Everyone had surrounded her, looking at her like she was a show. She certainly never thought she would leave the world like this, clawing the ground and watched over like a sick baby.

She arched her back in pain and looked up. Rilian's soft gray eyes met hers, scared and immobile. She reached out and grasped his hand as all of her muscles started to seizure. Tears ran down his cheeks, falling onto her hair.

She had known this day would come. But she had hoped it would be later, years later, with care and preparation, not thrown upon them in the middle of a picnic. She didn't want to end this way. She clutched tightly to Rilian, tears spilling out of her eyes.

She tried desperately to speak, to tell him of the strange snake-woman, but she choked on her words. His eyes were blurred, smears of gray. It was killing him, every moment of it. She didn't want to hurt him, not like this. All she wanted was to protect him. And lingering on wasn't helping.

She dropped her hand from his, as her eyes closed up. Her heart began to beat impossibly quick. It would happen any moment now. She lost all of her senses, as the world around her went dim and slowly faded away.

The nobles looked around, stiff with shock. A hush came over them as they bowed to honor the queen. Tears fell from their eyes, soaked the earth, as the mourning began and the surprise wore off.

Their tears came quickly, easily spent. Nothing was said as they grieved, until reality set in. They would have to bring her body to the court - bring her to the king. Silence and sorrow filled the air as they wrapped her stiff body in their cloaks. Slowly, they made their way to the castle. Rilian stayed behind the nobles, walking away.


End file.
